Pathetic Transference

All this shit with Tiger Woods has reminded me of two things. I don't really know how they're connected beyond the loose connection of people going strangely batshit over celebrity gossip, but here goes...

#1. WHEN PEE WEE GOT BUSTED. I was a little fellow when Pee Wee got caught masturbating in a porno theatre, and they yanked my favorite show off the air. The silly thing about yanking him off the air like that, was that a fuck of a lot more kids learned what "masturbating in a porno theatre" was (albeit couched in fuzzier, friendlier words) than would have had they left it on the air. It's not Pee Wee would have begun talking about jerking it on the air, or watching porno movies on a very uncomfortable Chairry, or even teaching your kids about the wonders of taking your penis out in public. The show would have gone on, and us youngsters probably never would have been the wiser. But we've got this wacko need to feel morally close with our celebs, like maybe we could hang out if we ever happened to bump into each other. I know people that talk about celeb dating choices (or other personal actions in their lives that have no relevance to us) as though they're talking about a close friend about to make the same tragic choices in life. I know people who's REALLY upset because Kate Hudson is dating this A-Rod fellow!! Why the fuck do you CARE? I have a hard enough time caring about my own personal life, let alone someone so far removed from my own existence.

#2 THE DAY ANNA NICOLE SMITH DIED: I was working a temp data entry job, and the news broke as our shift was starting. We all had these weird expressions of glee on our faces when we broke the news to our coworkers... everyone seemed genuinely excited that this woman none of us knew personally died. A coworker, who had already heard the news, marched in and announced, "The Bitch is Dead!" Later, WWTDD (won't link to the article directly, you sick SOB) posted these pictures that came out of Smith naked and covered in vomit, and most of the comments said things like, "Damn, looks like the bitch had oatmeal for breakfast," and shockingly few seemed particularly upset that they were looking at a picture of a dead woman.

I admit, the loss of Anna Nicole Smith was no great lost to our Earthly culture, but I don't understand when being insignificant in the grander scheme turns you into a villain. Smith was someone who wanted to be famous, and used the only thing she had to do so: sex. I know there's an inherent resentment in some people against women like her, either stemming from insecurity or jealousy, but really all you need to feel for her, I imagine, is pity. I'm not saying pity because she sold her body and that violates some moral code. I say pity her, because that's all she had. The only thing she really had to get by on was her body and the proceeds from that. Why are you so offended by the fact that so many people jerked off to her Playboy's back in the day, or that she was SO stupid on that reality show? No, "gold digger" is not an acceptable reason to vilify someone, because I guarantee you that old man got what he paid for (I see nothing wrong with some lonely old rich man paying some foxy young woman to marry if he wants. Hell, that's what I'd do if I had money + no one else).

I'm not really criticizing people for enjoying tabloid gossip. It provides a soap-opera sort of entertainment, akin to good tv show or a trashy book, that can be pretty fun. I'm as guilty of that as anybody. But every time I hear a coworker or associate talk about this nonsense (my friends get a pass, because I have exceptionally witty friends), I feel like I'm being forced to watch someone else's kid sing a song, which isn't nearly as cute or prodigal as I was led to believe.

Oh Stranger, why do you care about Tiger Wood's Penis?

Why do you care so much where Tiger Woods puts his penis? When the cashier nods at the tabloid you're buying, with the Tiger's face on the cover, and asks you what do you think of all that, why do you furrow your brow, and say "I used to like him, but now I don't know anymore." You mean to tell me, Stranger, that the sudden realization that like Tiger Woods likes to screw around, and isn't satisfied being married to a model, that your ability to enjoy golf is lost forever?

Sounds like bullshit, stranger. I admit, I know fuck all about golf, and frankly don't care to learn, but I since when did impeccable morality become a necessity to G.D. golf?

Oh, you say he's a role model? Your little one really looks up to Tiger Woods, and now you don't know what to tell them about all this mess? Well, you don't really need to say shit to your kids about all that. If they ask, you just tell them to worry about the fucking game, if they love golf so G.D. much. But if they must find out the ugly choice about Tiger's taste in pussy, all you have to tell them is everybody's human and everybody makes silly mistakes, and that sometimes people go a little nuts while basking in the perks of being famous. You can establish early on with your youngster that it's important to have idols and role models, but it's also important to not be a total freakazoid and give a serious damn about the status of your role models family.

Really, stranger, what you're saying is that you're a little disatisfied with your own life. The shit that's going on with you isn't NEAR as exciting as the hap's + goings on in Tiger Woods or Lindsey Lohan's or Jon+Kate's charmed existence, and while you may not really want that sort of fame for yourself, obsessing and ragging on complete these people makes you feel like less of a dope all the time. It distracts you from that deep seeded nostalgia you have for the time when you're life had comparable amounts of adrenaline + excitement, that nostalgia that most days makes you want to jump out the window, and makes you feel happier that you've managed to keep your shit together as long as you have.

It's no big stranger, I do the same thing sometimes. It just makes me sad that you're so unfulfilled dude. I hope some really good shit comes your way soon.

I'm Happy that Flight of the Concords is Cancelled (+ You should be too!)

It's SO much better for a show like this to bow-out early, before it goes on for five billion seasons, and the cracks in the show's conceit start to show. I was never a crazy-fan of it to begin with. I liked what I saw of it, but it was obvious pretty early on that there isn't too far they can go with a show like this. Now that it's gone, fans are left with a tight two season run of episodes that will forever live up to their expectations. Besides, I'm sure Brett+Jermaine will be back in the future with some sort of special or movie... they've said as much in interviews, haven't they?

Anywayz. NYMag's Vulture Bloghas a nice collection of best-of Youtube clips over there, and I'm sure the hipster pity party circle jerk will get going in the comment section before too long, if you need that sort of comfort

"Radiohead kinda blows" says Chris Norris @ SPIN.

Yeah, I feel ya, Chris Norris. It totally sucks being the only guy without a boner at the Radiohead circle jerk. I even saw Radiohead at Bonnaroo in 2006, and I still feel like the clouds of OMG-level praise that follows York+Co around smells just a bit too much like stoner talk for me to take that seriously. Added to that, the fact that Thom Yorke is maybe the most uncharismatic human doesn't really give me any great drive to get into them. I can tell that they're good, but I don't really care one way or the other for them.

Norris' point is maybe more specifically that much of Radiohead's supposed greatness in these last few years is more smoke and mirrors than actual greatness, but he's still fighting a losing battle. There's no way that any fan will hear any anti-Radiohead argument as anything more than toddler talk, as if whining "C'mon doodz, listen to the music that turns me on" rather than putting together a pretty sound argument. Sorry, brah! (LINK)

The National - "Fake Empire (Letterman, 2007)"

I was listening to "Fake Empire" in my cubicle at work the other day. Two coworkers, separately from each other, asked if I was listening to polka music. Silliness.

TV on the Radio - "Staring at the Sun (CBS Late Show, 2004)"

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - "It's Blitz"

"Zero" (Letterman, 2009)

Between last year’s DEAR SCIENCE from TV on the Radio, and the upcoming IT’S A BLITZ from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, there’s a sense that these musicians are privy to some modern recreation of the music from the late 70’s and 80’s. These albums pay homage to the era’s dance music, stripping away the gluttony and excesses that doomed a lot of this music to novelty. IT’S A BLITZ is far from profound, and nowhere near as epic as DEAR SCIENCE, but it's a good time. Karen O's dance-punk foxiness sells this change of venue for the cult of Yeah Yeah Yeahs nicely. Some of those cultists will probably repeat their stock complaints of selling out, the same ones you hear anytime an artist tries something new and fails to change the world with their efforts, but feel free to ignore the haters and their tight-assed nerd sensibilities.

That's some horseshit, Slumdog.

"Yes Tyler Durdon, the rest of the world does suck." Azharuddin Ismails, one of the child actors from SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, returned to the Slums after going to the Oscars last week, only to be slapped by his father. And of course, the paparazzi was there photograph the kid crying for ten minutes. Hollywood should do this kid a solid, and offer his father his choice of any of the retarded stillborns on The CW or The Disney Channel. Hollywood should hold on to Ismails or any of the other kids from that movie with all their might, frankly. It would work out well for the father, too. He'd probably earn more by sending them out to beg, and he could beat the shit out of them, guilt free?

It had never occurred to me that these kids might have to return to the Slums like that. You just assume they'll live in castles for the rest of their lives and lose their virginities to coke-addicted models. It's fucking unreal to think that these kids could continue to live on after being in an Oscar-winning movie, being the only kids on their block whose name comes up on Google Image Search.

(If you dislike either of those two punchlines, here is one more: "Hopefully Danny Boyle will hurry his ass up and write SLUMDOG 2: BACK TO THE STREETS." I hope one of those worked for you).

The Ones Where You Try to Kill Bruce Willis...

Funny People Trailer - watch more funny videos

Judd Apatow's FUNNY PEOPLE premieres July 31, 2009. Stars Adam Sandler, Seth Rogan, Leslie Mann, Eric Bana, and Jonah Hill.

A Good Review of TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE

A good review of TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE can only exist if written by someone intoxicated, or by some poor sad human being whose standards are so fucking low that all they need is Michael Bay and some shitty-ass robots to make them happy. This imaginary thumbs up review, probably kickin it Harry Knowles style, would have to ignore the fact that the film's a peice of shit, and spend the bulk of their 750 words meandering into stories of their nostalgic feelings for the 80's cartoon and how badass those toys were. They might talk of their ironic hipster love of robots (along with pirates, penguins, ninjas and Kevin Smith). They would have to be goddamn drunk, or laying on the ground wallowing in the dirt of our culture while the wrote that review, to spend so little time discussing the film's content beyond robots, explosions and Megan Fox, for fear of stumbling on the fact that it fucking sucks. Not in a so bad-its-fun-SHOWGIRLS sort of way, either; there are no lapdances in TRANSFORMERS. Instead, there are tediously long scenes existing only to support a SNL-esque punchline, actors taking their roles about as serious as a toddler forced to play Peter Cottontale in the school play, and action sequences too cluttered and ridiculous to bring any sort of thrills. Thank fucking GOD those reviews don't exist, beyond forgettable trinkets of water cooler small talk.

Like any the video-recorded performance of any high school play in America, TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE features awkward camera work by a parent who could give a fuck, teenagers and their winking silliness making jokes about a time they don't understand, and an audience seemingly content just to see people they know run around on stage in funny costumes. It features a bigger budget and more attractive teenagers than I remember from high school, but the the principles are the same. Only difference is people go to high school plays because they half to, and I've got no fucking idea why anyone would want to go see TRANSFORMERS. They must go in part for some escapist goodtimes, and to feel nostalgic for nonsense from your childhood, but where are the standards? I'm kind of a dick I guess, but I need a little more than explosions and a memory rush of remembering the first time I got a boner. I like popcorn. It doesn't have to be high art and foreign for me to have a good time. I spent the better part of a couple weeks ago watching only GOSSIP GIRL, so clearly my standards aren't IMPOSSIBLE. Just imagine if they'd spent another week on the script, and hadn't followed that test screening note that said "more jokes," and developed a sci-fi movie beyond your stupid, meaningless nostalgia? TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE could have been pretty cool, if Spielburg had directed rather than just throwing money into Michael Bay's trust fund. Instead, we're left with two hours of Shia poorly ripping off old vaudville routines with stupid talking robots over a story that only makes sense if you're high.

Hey Wednesday, How's Your Ash?

Jai Ho (Featuring Sukhvinder Singh, Tanvi Shah & Mahala) - A.R. Rahman

I suppose the Slumdog Millionaire backlash was inevitable. Much like JUNO last year, when a film manages to be uplifting, incredibly good and is rewarded with success, both popular and critical, you're bound to find a few nerds in the mix who can't separate hype from reality and write it off before they've even seen it. Most types of backlash bullshit is easy enough to spot (my roommate received a tweet from someone after the awards calling SLUMDOG this year's TITANIC), but I'm shocked at the number of little bitches hating on the musical number playing through the credits, where the entire cast dances to the Oscar-Winning song "Jai Ho" by A.R. Rahman and friends. In an informal poll conducted by myself of the random little bitches I encounter on my own middle American existence, the number of people who call the ending stupid or say that it took away from the film's emotional punch are shocking. I hope this is another case of Michiganders missing everything cool--certainly it's win on Sunday supports that--but I don't know.

I can't imagine the movie ending any other way, and, strangely enough, was the part that stuck with me the most. As I understand it, "Jai Ho" means "Victory," so you can take the ending to be a celebration for Jamal winning on the award show and finally winning the love of the girl. It also serves to remind the audience that the plethora of GD awful things they just witnessed prior to the happy ending were just fiction, essentially breaking down the fourth wall. I'm sure there's also an homage to Bollywood in there, too, but I don't really know enough (anything) to comment on it.

Regardless of the haters, it's nice to see Oscar continuing the tradition he started last year with ONCE and "Falling Slowly" of awarding the "Best Song" Oscar to the song that actually deserves it (rather than meaningless mass-market musicals like ENCHANTED).

Here's the interview with Danny Boyle and the cast/crew on the TODAY show: